Gay rant, featuring How to know if a woman is gay

There is some sexual language in this post. if you are my parent/elder, brace yourself.

People always ask me: how do you know when a woman is gay??

Note: the vast majority of people I know and interact with are Black women, so that’s my primary demographic whenever I say “people.”

Truth is, most times I really have no clue!!!!!! While i do believe that people (‘member the note above) have senses and capabilities to get in touch with truths beyond the ‘5 senses’ (like how you can feel somebody staring at you or, idk, DREAMS), i don’t believe that includes a gaydar. sure, you can guess, and be correct. but telling me you believe you know things about people’s v personal, potentially fluid, likely unexplored sexual identity based off of cues you’ve perceived that you have been socialized to deem as what now? gay? try again.

I do, however, feel like i can pick up on when somebody wants me. when somebody might be interested in ~that thang (read: sex). I assume most people do [know when somebody wants them].

when men want me, i don’t care? slash i be annoyed. sometimes it’s convenient, like flirting my way into a finesse. but while pretty privilege (hairlip) (omg i should write about where the social capital attached to flipping hair comes from) has some great benefits, to me men are annoying af and getting rid of them can be really hard and potentially dangerous and generally not worth the trouble it at this stage in the game. to me, men are easy to read. they’re either more direct or just bad at hiding it. sometimes they’re sometimes sweet, sometimes they’re creepy, what they’re NOT is: A- needed (@ me) or b- wanted (plz don’t @ me). #iaintsorry

sure, leading people on can be just plain fun sometimes because #attention (we all do it) (right?) (well, we who got the juice do it) and men just seem to shoot their shot more with me. but I’m a whole ass lesbian so after a certain point i just be like mkay I’m finished here, and slightly disgusted with myself but I’m probably gonna end up here again (like watching porn).

when a woman wants me *the heavens open up*

don’t take this paragraph seriously: i personally feel like liking women just makes sense. women are everything. i would know, because i am one lol. when you like women you’re just.. enlightened. its like i have physiologically moved past that pesky biological urge to procreate with men and have gone on to vibrate on a higher wavelength: one that allows me to engage with real people – women. & Black women in my case! wowzers. at the risk of sounding like a hotep.. Black women are actual goddesses. grateful. [no Khaled]

seriously though. One time during sex i was just reflecting on who I am and how I got here (lol) (i live in my mind) and i was just overwhelmed with gratitude. like thank you, universe. I am me; she is her; and we are able to be here, like this, right now. wow. getting there, though, can be a bit of a challenge for me.

when I want a woman, though, i find it kind of hard to tell if she’s bout it. (i say “bout it” because i don’t know and i don’t usually care how she identifies, as long as it includes a satisfactory iteration of gettin with ME. I call that Layla-sexual). there are some signs that she might be bout it. like:

  • holding eye contact a little too long. like, are you looking for something in my eyes lol? you tryna figure something out lol? lemme help you with that ANSWER IS YES
  • looking at your lips/mouth. i find that when people you are attracted to you, they tend to look at your mouth when you talk. it’s like subconsciously saying “i would like to be inside there. i would like to inhabit that place. your mouth.”
  • licking their lips in your direction, especially while making eye contact. if you do this properly, it’s actually v intimate (try it next time you are having a casual convo, it’s so gross). this is the subconscious shit that i be doing very consciously when i want somebody haha (i’m so calculated its actually concerning) (shoutout my Virgo set)

yeah besides those three i be lost. we could have a whole ass great time together, break off from the group/find a corner of the party, go somewhere after together, and i would still be like uhhhh sooooooooo is it just me that’s got a *throbbing headache in my pants rn or is it you too?

In college, where every body and they mama is experimenting sexually, I got pretty good at identifying when a woman is completely and utterly straight. the flag is not so much a matter of me being able to read her and correctly identify her sexuality, it is more so like you have gone through a great deal of effort to let me know that you are “strictly dickly.” You’ve probably used that phrase in real life. Just make sure it’s me your convincing, and not yourself 😀

if you aren’t on this gay wave, i don’t have to tell you this (because, you know, heteronormativity), but that’s totally cool. do you boo. we need more muhfuckas out here being themselves.

#wrapitupden (double entendre, because straight people. get it?)

butttt yeah. how do i be certain a shorty is gay? ask. or wait for her to kiss you.



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